Sunday, 15 June 2014

Pondering's June 2014

Images from Google

Isn't it funny how the little things in life can shape the way you think/feel/act. I find it even funnier how little acts and moment’s enable me to learn more about myself and who I am.

It’s been a while since I’ve penned a pondering post- reflecting on life. Something that I do more frequently since a diagnosis of MS 2 years ago shook my world and made me wonder ‘who am I? If MS won’t define me, then what does’.

In 2014 I've had a big life event happen – getting engaged. Although no Wedding is being planned yet due to financial reasons, it certainly has made me ponder the future a lot more. Anyone reading with this who also has MS may understand what I mean when I say that thinking of the Future me leaves me feeling incredibly anxious. So much so that I try to not do it anymore. Which is rather hard for a dreamer like me, who when she was 16 came up with a 10 year life plan (I know, mad). Since being Engaged, the majority of the time we have received such love and support for our future together that we have been warmed deeply but others have shown the exact opposite. Leaving us to bicker and argue until we just stop and decide to not talk about it. As best friends, it’s pretty rubbish and certainly avoidable.

I also found myself becoming so anxious at what kind of Wife I would make. The anxious side of me feels that MS is this black cloud looming over my head- would my MS catch up with me? When? How? Why would anyone want to be a part of such a future? But then I pull myself together, I want to take marriage in my stride and live. Having a life companion will only make me stronger.

On Friday night I went out after work to join fellow colleagues in after work drinking to welcome in the Weekend. By 11, it seemed that only myself and one other were not drunk. So we walked with those that claimed they still could, in search of cocktails. After half an hour we were on a bus, the last ones standing, towards Shoreditch and I felt so excited. I never do this, I never just forget about my MS and the possible Fatigue that can happen after having too much fun, I never just be a 24 year old girl. We stopped off (after much dallying around and looking to our iPhone’s for direction) into a bar, where we sat at the bar, laughed and chatted to others who were just out to have a fun time. I felt in control, and excited. I wanted to dance, shake off the weight on my shoulders that I have put on myself. We then headed to another bar that held the promise of a Dancefloor.

Music blared out from the dark room –that old school R’n’B mixed with Garage kind that I cannot help but LOVE. It reminds me of watching my sister get ready for  club night’s in the 90’s with her friends- her tiny bedroom would be full of hairspray, perfume and they would be trying on sparkly shoes with co-ord outfits.  We ordered cocktails at the bar, I went to the middle of the dancefloor and just danced on my own….. until I realised I had a ‘little gang of admirers’ to quote my drinking partner for the evening which made me laugh. There I was in the middle of this dark room, Mojito in hand, singing my heart out to the songs that I know so well- laughing at my friend who was also getting his fair share of attention. I felt free. And a bit drunk. But Free. And so happy to have a ring on my finger. This is who I feel the real me is. A young, slightly geeky, dancing mad, content young girl with a wonderful man at home. I smiled and just continued with my dancing, until 4am! And the best part? I got home, went to sleep and woke up… fine. I let my hair down, stayed out for much longer than I thought would be possible ever again and… it didn’t kill me! My MS is still stable and I now have some good memories that gives me butterflies of excitement (discoverung something you like about yourself does that)….

So, these are pretty deep thoughts from just one night out, I know, but it’s these moments that led me to feel surprised and learn even more about myself. 

MS won’t beat me, how can it? I just need to remember the good times, take chances more and learn that have already laid the good foundations for my life. I plan to spend more time, letting my hair down, being involved in life. What’s the point of being well, if I bubble wrap myself?
Images from Google

Lots of Love

xxx TTN xxx

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